TLV: IC Inbox

[statementfuckingends]

You've reached Timothy Stoker, leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you.

Text | Voice | Video | Action

Comments

back on barge

[epistemological]

[However it happens, however things come back together, the fact of the matter is that Jon is once more alive.

They are once more on the Barge. He is once more a warden.

...and none of these things help with what's rolling around in his head like the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

He's still death-tolling (which is unfair, frankly, since he was dead for half of the month, he should be done with this, eugh) and thus he's not going to be terribly able to move. But he can use his communicator, thankfully, to ask Tim for a moment.

He needs to talk to someone about this and this... this ticks a couple of boxes. Jacobi- Jacobi wouldn't understand, he doesn't think. Or maybe he's entirely wrong. He'll probably end up talking to him afterwards. But Tim first. [

I don't suppose you have a moment?

[statementfuckingends]

[He hadn't quire realised how much he missed the small, simple pleasures of running water and proper beds and being one complete shape persistently for more than an hour at a time. But it really, truly is good to be back.

And of course, when the friend he's been worried about for that entire intervening period shoots him a call, he's on it with a speed one might consider unsightly. He missed Jon a lot.]

Naturally. Shall I let myself in?

[epistemological]

I'm not getting up at the moment, so probably.

[ Christ, he hates death tolling. He's only done it, now, three times, but he hates it. It was worse when he was starving. Thankfully, he died with a 'full tank', so to speak. He doesn't have to bother anyone for that for a few days. ]

Bedroom in the back.

[statementfuckingends]

[That gets a soft snicker out of Tim, but he's there in a few minutes. Some of those are spent exchanging warm words with Martin as he enters their room, and it means he comes into the bedroom with two mugs of tea in hand.]

Special delivery~ [And there's no hesitation in the way he drops onto the bed next to Jon before he offers one of those mugs to him.]

[epistemological]

[ He'll take the tea and consider it for a moment, letting it warm his hands before he puts it on the counter. It's obvious that there's a lot on his mind, but some of it lightens considerably just seeing Tim in the flesh. He breathes a little easier. ]

I will assume your journey was as... interesting as mine. Though kudos on not dying.

[statementfuckingends]

Let's stick with 'interesting' for now.

[He lifts a leg to fold his ankle over the other thigh, resting his tea in his lap. It's not like Jon's a hard read at any time of day, and he tilts his head curiously.]

Sorry to hear yours went that way, though.

[epistemological]

From what I understand, the worst of it was after I died.

[ He winces. ]

I should have been more careful. But I admit I... wasn't feeling particularly careful at the time.

[ A breath out. ]

I never thought I'd see any of you ever again.

[statementfuckingends]

...yeah. I get you.

[And he knew how badly he'd taken that. Has heard how Jon went when he was unsupervised after Tim died.

Neither of them are particularly survival oriented without their people with them.]

But... we're back. So. You're allowed to start unwinding now, if you want to.

[epistemological]

[ Ah, yes, unwinding. Definitely what he's best at.

He doesn't even look at Tim to 'say' as much.]

I... had time to think about a few things. A lot of things, really. And, um. [ his head drops down a little ] I... met someone there. Actually. B-before I died, obviously.

[statementfuckingends]

[Look it needs saying.

And that's already such a loaded as hell statement that it makes Tim shuffle down the bed so he can put his mug on the side too to give Jon his full attention.]

Yeah? What were they like?

[epistemological]

It started with him threatening to beat the shit out of me, frankly.

[ Because a good 50% of his closest relationships start that way. It's just his life. ]

Which had to do with the, um, the rather unique situation that the two of us were in. It calmed down considerably once he no longer thought I was trying to 'fuck with him'.

[ There's a very wry smile. ]

And he was a bit like if someone combined you and Jacobi into one individual and threw in a bit of conman for flavor. His name was Mike. And by 'unique situation', I mean that he was, for all intents and purposes, a Statement come to life as a person.

[statementfuckingends]

[Tim narrows his eyes wryly. He feels like Jon doesn't appreciate how much of both him and Jacobi's old jobs was being a conman.]

Why is it always some form of Mike? [Salesa, Crew, and the Distortion, now this motherfucker.] Does make him, what, an avatar as well? Or like- a concentrated fear hot-spot?

[epistemological]

I haven't the slightest clue.

[ No, seriously, he doesn't know. But this one was very particularly Mike. For very good reasons. As much as he tended towards formality as a comfort, Mike was Mike and he'd ever call him Mike in this case. It meant too much to him, even if he wasn't there, to do different.

...and Tim, he's well aware. He said what he said. ]

Not an Avatar, exactly. Not even a... hot spot or an artifact. He really was... [ oh there's a bit of a blush on his cheeks now, no hiding it ] When I touched his skin, i-it was like reading a statement. I just... knew things about him, things he hadn't even realized. And in return, I... I made him feel more real than anyone else ever had.

[statementfuckingends]

[Tim's eyebrows flick up in undisguised surprise, and he catches himself shifting to lean in a little with the force of his curiosity.]

...am I the first person you've talked to about this? [Something about the way Jon talked about it felt... weirdly intimate. Plus, that blush was a rare enough thing that he was immediately wanting every last detail on what's caused it.]

[epistemological]

[ He lifts a hand and wobbles it. ]

I spoke to Jacobi about it. A little. Mostly to, um, to work myself up to talking to you about it.

[ A bit cowardly, but he's willing to admit it. ]

I might not have mentioned the, um... mentioned it quite like that.

[statementfuckingends]

[Tim nods, to that. He's not quite sure how he feels about it, but at least Jon was talking about it, to someone he trusts, and is talking to Tim now.]

So, you liked him.

[It's a statement more than a question, but it's not trying to be accusatory. And he's not going to push about the circumstances, or any such bullshit about only liking him because of some Situation FUBAR despairing for a human connection.

He just wants to work out where Jon stands, now.]

[epistemological]

I-

[ He breathes in deep, which hurts, because his head is aching, but he's dealt with that kind of pain before. He can deal with it now. And he needs to deal with it now since he brought it up. ]

I was starving. Without my abilities but still with my... needs. And most of the others who were there were in as bad a shape as I was. At first it was-

I won't deny that at first it was just practical. Just being around him... did the trick, so to speak. But as we, um, as we spoke more and as we sort of... [ It's obvious he's having trouble finding the words, but the blush on his cheeks isn't going away. ] He was... charming. And it was... it was something. When I'd given up on... well, everything.

[statementfuckingends]

"You made a connection," he articulates for Jon. His expression is trying for neutral, but there's no denying the edge of sympathy there. "You... found someone who was able to... maybe not understand, but. Empathise, with what you both were going through. He was nice to you, when everything else was going to hell around you."

His eyes flick away for a moment, and there's only a faint flicker of guilt when he finishes, "You never did get much of that."

[epistemological]

There's a quick nod. He blinks at the flicker of guilt, because that's never what he was intending. That wasn't-

It... was what it was. He doesn't hold anyone responsible for supporting him. He'd hardly made it easy. And everyone had had their own struggles to deal with.

"I could- I didn't hurt him." He can't stress that enough. How much that had meant. How awful he'd felt taking a statement from Rawne at the oars with him, draining him that way, and knowing he would still have to row. But it was different for Mike. "I made things better for him. And he... did the same for me." And his head ducks just a little more. "...he" he clears his throat harshly, "k-kissed me a-about a week in."

[statementfuckingends]

The guilt is part and parcel of regretting that part of how things went down, Jon, don't think too much into it.

Like how Tim is trying very hard not to do with Jon getting kissed by Mike the Living Statement, as his gaze flicks back in automatic shock; and it flicks away just as quickly, as he lifts a hand to rub slowly across his mouth and jaw, trying to think of something to say about that. (And wonders lightly if Jacobi would have told him, if Jon told him that, or kept his mouth shut.)

He really doesn't want to knee-jerk this and make Jon pull away, or throw some sense of shame or discomfort at him for it. "...how... uhh." He breathes his own brisk inhale, before he lifts a leg and turns a bit more to face Jon more fully, pressing his thigh against Jon under his blanket. "What did you... think, of it? 'cos, um." He looks back at Jon. "Just speaking plainly - you don't seem upset about it."

[epistemological]

Oh Christ. This is when things are going to get even more awkward.

"I've-" a pause, a ruffle of his hair at the back of his head, a scrub of his face, "It was, um..." how does he even address this, "I've... never, um," swallow, "it was... a little overwhelming. A-as I could- there was... lust. There. And experiencing that when he, um."

It was a lot, okay? The whole thing is just- it was a lot, and it was confusing, and he's still parsing through that, let alone-

"I don't know how to feel about it. I thought I'd never see anyone ever again. And I-" he swallows, much harder, and oh his head is aching but- "and I've had some... concerns. A-about myself a-and Martin. Not-"

He holds up a firm finger.

"Not because of anything Martin's done, of course. Not because I don't- Not-"

Shit. How does he explain this?

"I don't know if Martin and I want the same things. Here or... after here. He barely wants to be here anymore at all and I know he was staying just to stay with me. He never really... got comfortable here. And I-" he looks up at Tim, "my life, most of my life, most of- even the best relationship I've ever had with you is-

"It's here. It's... this. And that's why-" he swallows hard, "that's why when that happened. The... insanity of it all. All of it on top of everything else-"

He doesn't look up.

"I love Martin. But I'm not- I'm not sure I'm best for him. And not because I'm being self-depreciating."

[statementfuckingends]

He listens to that flustered, stuttering explanation with the calm implacability of a buoy on Jon's waves of panic. This is... a lot. And while it's definitely one of the weirdest things he's ever heard coming out of Jon's mouth, specifically, this? Romantic advice, hearts pulling away not from the fault of anyone involved, but because sometimes things just... change?

It's so normal. This, funnily enough, he feels surprisingly equipped to handle.

He puts his hand on Jon's, wrapping fingers around his unmarred palm in a warm, gentle grip. Looks down at their hands, looking over the shapes of those stupid matching worm scars, so Jon can choose to look at him without the looming threat of eye contact.

"Sometimes people grow apart," he says, soft and calm. "You can love someone and still be... not what they need."

He takes a slow inhale, choosing his words carefully.

"This place is... it's a lot. Even for the people who enjoy being here. And you and Martin..." He shrugs one shoulder. "You two are from different points, in your own timelines. Different universes, literally. Martin remembers the world that got destroyed." And his relationship with the Jon he had there, the one that this Jon can never be. "He's different to the way you last remember from home. You're different to the last way he remembers. And that's a rough place to start from, even without everything else. It's changed how you two know each other. But if Martin's only staying because of you, this you, that's... something Martin has to work out."

A faint huff escapes him, almost a laugh. "Things change. But that's-- it's not necessarily a bad thing. Different doesn't mean wrong."

He finally looks up at Jon, but his expression is soft, as his thumb rubs over Jon's knuckles. "Sometimes it's just... not correct. Not the best fit. Not you, not me, just- an other direction."

[epistemological]

He's utterly still at first and it's clear he's waiting for another shoe to drop, for something to be his fault, for him to be a rat bastard. For him to have apologies to make. He was ready for that.

He wasn't really prepared for this. And it makes something crack, after the Galley and Rawne and Mike and Daniel and Jacobi and now Tim.

He doesn't weep, nothing so dramatic. But that might just be because he nods and swallows and doesn't try to speak.

It takes him a moment to compose himself before he even tries.

"Thank you. For...". And he sort of wobbles his head to gesture at everything.

[statementfuckingends]

Tim's smile is a gentle thing, more obvious in the way it softens the shape of his eyes than the faint lift of one corner of his mouth.

"Any time. You know that, right?"

He pushes himself to stand up, but only so he can move and sit directly pressed in next to Jon, leaning into the pillow and lifting an arm to wrap around his shoulders.

"It doesn't make you a bad person. Any of that."

[epistemological]

Jon's answer is a rueful laugh.

"Know" is a strong word in this case. He's sort of edging around that information. Not for lack of faith in Tim.

But he won't shut away from the arm around him. He might even settle up against Tim, eyes starting to pull a little.

"I... I missed you. I'm... I'm glad I have you back."